Setback.

What a web of life we create for us by letting the forces change the directions beyond our understanding.The pebbles we plant, one each at a time, accumulate to build the bridges that knocks it all off at once and just like the ignored roses, the charisma is long lost, the neck down not willing to look up ever again.This post isn't going to be heart wrenching beautiful.In fact I'm clueless what all I'm pouring out but then i need to write even if the words fail to crawl and enlighten the darkest corners of hearts and there's no denying I'm just useless.

And the interesting thing about writing is that words kicks you while you are down to bash and break the plethora of thoughts to linger the scent of immense dumbness till your words starts spinning.All at a time and out of anxiety you end up setting up a draft to finish, someday.

The prison so wide

It's for nth time i listened from them that they're in love.The cliched idea of falling in and out of love is still amusing.It's witty how we spend days and months and if patient enough then years too, nourishing it, validating the so called better half until we get fed up with it and it seldom dies but then what resides in the core of nut sized brain is the tagged failed love, while somewhere part of ours know the feelings existed even though if it was for a particular phase.As the time passes by and distances grows, sooner or later it is packed up labelled with "Not in love anymore." The words are merely just words not making sense and eventually it loses the charisma to nothingness, dragging the connection.We pretend we never loved, we pretend we cannot love anyone , may be because we understand the pain of letting someone go, because no matter what, we had someone, and that was for real.The pain which takes shelter, as if we are not capable of loving anybody anymore.The stage where you're perfectly indifferent, where nothing really matters.

....Sliding, stumbling, rambling through the helter-skelter of life, We move out of such place just to fall again.

To tell the story of all the times,

Toxin of footsteps in sun and rain,

Some days, Of the stale rhymes, 

Through the perennial fiction.

And It's a NO for an answer

I've been told infinite times that I don't work hard for my dreams.I smile.I don't give a shit.I do my thing.May be they are right, may be they are not.Giving up has never been a trait which suits nor the life takes no for an answer.I was a bit upset.A thought I personally go by always is “Be the change you want to see” Like my tongue which flies around irrespective of authority, my hands too have a mind of their own.Hence the blog happened and so this post.What is the earliest memory you have of your childhood ? honestly, I always had a peanut size brain, so I can't boast much of memories but looking back I'm contended with the quality of life which i have lived.Not very often you've this luxury of having whatever you need instead of whatever you want and this is how we learnt saying “a young lady should always remember what family she belongs to." This is how i managed high school, distance learning, living in a different city sticking to own set of values, working part time.I realized how many times I might have hurt you, made you cry, took away your sleep at night, got you anxious, disappointed you and got you embarrassed. But Ma you are the best thing in my life and no matter how much people would say I look like you, my best compliment is when they tell me I am just like you despite of all the differences.I love your simplicity, i love the way you look so aghast when i get you an expensive gift, i love the way you smile with pride when i refuse to take favours from others, i love your shocked look when we go out dining at some fancy place and you see the price on the menu, the way you insist you don't need any more sarees and fancy footwear, the way you lovingly make our favorite dish and have that content smile, the way you try to understand the struggles and take a defense whenever someone points out our flaws and make conversation, the way you keep telling younger one to learn..i could go on forever Ma.I may not have flawless complexion and skill sets to quench but then at the end of the day I'd still be your one insane daughter you could laugh at infinite times.

She, as a girl.

The usually chirp, descriptive one who doesn't doesn't talk gently, refuse to keep a bucket full of soft toys near the bed side, laughs insanely instead of giggling, avoid those pink hair clips, often runs when sees the camera flash, doesn't keep a proper routine and eventually look forward for a better day ahead.Yes, She's the one writing this post.She has her own set of believes and she stands by them, Giving priority to family but has aspirations to live for.The one whose journey is all about exploring herself and blooming into a good person who knows the limits to hold her head, standards and self esteem high.

Take someone who doesn't keep score,
Who's not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing,
Who has not the slightest interest even
in his own personality: he's free.

- Rumi

In the end

Irrationality is actually my favorite of all because it makes one true to themselves and isn't it what is of utmost priority?Peace only.You are free to pursue what you believe in without having burden to prove anything to any four random people which are often dragged in conversation else the bubbles burst and reek foul smell of envy pouring the enormous poison rotting every bit slowly and steadily and like a coward one keeps living under dark clouds whining about the bad weather staring into blank walls and feel the purposelessness of life so intensely.This doesn't make any sense.Not at all.Not to me at least.I believe in seeking a path of faith to enlightenment of the Truth.If there is a mountain that can’t be climbed, know that the mountain doesn’t exist.Because when you die, you would be able to say that your life hasn’t gone to waste and you are not going away without doing anything for yourself.

Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder

I neither belong here,
Nor i belong there,
From madness to sanity cigar,
I have come this far,
From love to hatred,
Worthless, they all once stated,
Remorse buried in grave,
Playing game of life is favorite escape.

It's not about the fair skin tone or the layers of make up you put on but it's about the ability to have compassion and kindness towards everyone you meet.You hardly know their story so there's no point in judging their struggles.I refuse to be called beautiful. for i cannot bear the extra dose of negativity.I can be there assuring the support but then i begin to become ignorant once someone start getting on nerves crying every single time.You may say I'm selfish, I admit I am but then let it be.Who isn't?I'm not bounded by an obligation to entertain the irretrievably bruised souls who are beyond reach to be fixed.If i can't convince anyone that life is worth...I just try to remind them and if nothing installs in their pea size brain i quietly leave.All one can do is pray for them, as simple as that.I have had my share of struggles which I've learned to laugh at, prepared for bizarre to flood in.I take the ownership, chances, fun and no matter what, I won't stop my things for someone else sake.I live it all unapologetically.

Friend of mine poked few days back complaining about the looks which she has no control over.I mean this isn't something you can actually get on demand.Imagine if ever this thing worked how it would have been.Creators mailbox flooded with ultimate requests and infinite bribes to speed up the process.

There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others.I don't believe in dressing up reality.I don't believe in using make up (Of course conditions apply) to make things look smoother.Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in my own skin.The ones who loves you would still be willing to be seen in public with you, Not because of how you like but because of what you mean to them and if someone doesn't accept you for how you look like, Trust me they deserve to be left like a choice.

Ladies he cannot be your saviour all the time

Let's face it that the problem is that most of the women want a hero, The prince charming installed with the perfection.No matter how much you deny but it is true.As we grew up listening to fairy tales the prince charming, The saviour, The super hero has to be there to bring perfect ending.The problem is that the men are just as ordinary as women are.the illusion of relating the love life expectations to real ones somewhere brings a tremendous burden on men.In the life of every person, there is at least one person with whom we make a very deep connection. The connection at times is too deep, beyond our greatest and wildest dreams.Women are somewhere wired with the expectation of magic, absolute madness, The courageous person blessed with looks of brad pitt for bonus points.
Who is this saviour?Why so much obsession and fascination with the fantasy drama?Isn't it better to keep it in stories itself and create your own instead?Men are ordinary human being, The ones who are struggling to fulfill their aspirations, trying their best to make their life stable in every possible manner and meanwhile looking for love.You make him laugh and he makes you laugh.You share your stories and he share his.You follow your dreams and he follows his.You experience life through him and share the hazy mornings, eventful afternoons and nights.You both follow your own philosophies.Sometimes you both agree and sometimes you don't.Everything which builds the life worth living.It is okay that someone doesn't always fulfill your expectations.Desires can wreck your life.There is no nobility in obsessing over something that does not exist. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. No matter how perfect you would expect them to be, at some point or another, they will say something that you weren't expecting them to say, they will do something that, at the time, would be terribly disappointing, and they will sometimes be harsh and mean.Some things really aren't in our control. It is okay when someone your really love flips out on you or behaves a little irrationally.love is a funny thing. It turns it all upside down when you don't really expect it. It is like one day you  realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamt. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now.It is most important to notice that they are trying.It doesn't matter that they slip.What matters the most is that they atleast try not to slip. They should also be given the room to be a little mean, and a little rude, and a little harsh, because they are after all, just like you. They also deserve a break. They can also

break into a tantrum, and that is quite alright. Reality is what you allow it to be. Reality is what you choose to accept it to be.We tend to overlook things we shouldn't and look over things we needn't.Wouldn't it be better if the expectations are withdrawn and they're allowed to be themselves where you could carve out the extra ordinary out of him?Their care and their actions to prove the same isn't the best thing which is sole evidence of the fact that you are going to be his soul mate always.Life is never as complicated as we, ourselves make it.After all what will bring smile home isn't going to be diamond ring but it will be the extra work he spent in office to save little extra for it.what you really need to remember and cherish is the thought, and the effort, and the fact that they are with you.

Fixed myself

When you're done with the battle and everything else settles down, do you smile for the winning or whine over the chaos and loss?
As the smoke passes through the over flooded mind the lyrics of fix you by coldplay lingers somewhere.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse..
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When the cold tucks the numbness within and you shut everything like a disoriented insane woman, It doesn't really makes sense.Just when i decided to go into hibernation mode i couldn't help coming back.Back to my self again.I'm my own source of motivation.Forget.Today is supposed to be a busy day ahead.Running for train, Merciless bustling crow, Rush hour, Skipping way through swarm of people, Annoying announcements in every 3 -5 minutes, Holding on to my bag, my resolve and remains of the fleeting sanity.


This journey's just the beginning.Playing this game called life is probably the best time pass ever.Skating. Sliding. Rambling. Stifling. I’m happy running on my track.A bit high on my heels.Forever.
 
And Regina Brett quoted right, 'No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.'

Saving the blog

 Recent updates  -

1. Laughed a lot.
2. In a happy place.
3. Have been listening to old songs on loop.
4. Haven't been sleeping too well.
5. Thought about doing something incredibly awesome and then looked at routine to laugh at it.
6. Reading 1Q84, Murakami is absolute love.
7. Book shopping happened.
8. Written letters.
9. Tried. Gave up. Tried to give up. Hung on.
10.  Believed.Still believing.

Randomly life

I've abandoned this blog and adopted reading books instead.Somewhere between scribbling the ramblings of an insomniac to shutting the doors for over thinking by picking up books, I grew up.I cannot decide if I'm still happy or I'm just not sad.Let it be..If you want to read, go on. But this person has changed, for good.

Waking up from a nightmare and seeing the clear sunshine fairies swirling around isn't something uber cute thing to witness.Well It has been monthly issue.To my surprise it doesn't scare me anymore.Some things go extremely bad and oddness fills mind webs decorating it with dash of emotions, We're all humans after all.The rain of broken wishes, the murky feelings.But look at me, I still have hope, Amidst the chaos of mind, may be someday a new staircase of dreams will be weaved..may be someday I would be able to speak louder the words i end up mumbling, For I've refused to be the one crying multiple shades of grey throwing the "Why me?" shit.There's nothing to run after. Everything I need is with me, and everything I have to get, is on its way.Sometimes, your heart convinces you to do things you despise off yet you do it and find happiness that lasts beyond moments.It is the death of our hearts that we must fear, as that is by choice. The death of our bodies is inevitable.Bad things happen, no one said life would be easy, yet out of hardship rises a soul destined to reach the stars above.

Take me ashore

His thoughts are like pack of cards, Life shuffles the deck and distributes, Few becomes his and rest of others, He play his hoping you will reflect them.That's what Vittaldas prabhu 's  How I Wonder convey, Blogger friend since 2009.This is a brand new guest post once again from one of my favorite blogger who is caught up in life cobwebs to visit the blogger lanes. Yay!Who knew facebook would be this kind.After constant laziness i gathered the strength to flaunt this lovely piece which vittal has allowed to share.This poem is dedicated to his soul mate, Kathy, on completion of 6 years. *P.S. My future husband please take a note to write one for me like this* 

Here it is.. xD 

I have set sail to land unseen

Starry eyed; but haven't been

Able to find the land of green

All I see? The ocean obscene

An intervention is what I seek

This journey makes me weak

I fear the Ship will creak and leak

Shoring I need, in this losing streak

In the distance is the horizon blue

Now paints an unusual hue
Is it something? Cryptic clue?

Jigsaw pieces I need to sew?

This fantasy appears crystal clear

Can't say from real and surreal

"Is it land?" Excited, I squeal

Misguiding, this nature's mural

What if it is not there? I fear

Fearsome storm to hit, I hear

The hull will hold, I hear them cheer

"Before the woman's wrath?" I silently jeer 

She has come. Hits us with waves tall

It is certain that I'm meant to fall

Panic strikes; Pushed against the wall

To stand again. I pray and haul

With the masses, I join to hope

"Me" and "I" no more the scope

Time to enrich and not to mope

The joy of being; to this truth, I awoke

Dawn breaks, storm settled, we still sail

Shore approaches, great stories entail

I see birds in the sky, "Oh, swell"

But, how long's their flight? Time will tell

What really awaits? What's to explore?

I don't know; "Do me good" I implore

Thirst's unquenced and heart is sore

But first, I ask "Take me ashore"

And I simply move on with the journey still

Thinking. Imagining. There won't be time to kill

Anxious. What's in the farms that I will till?

It is said. "There is way where there's will"

Thirst's unquenched and heart is sore

Storm will hit again and darkness will soar

But, before that, take me ashore

Take me ashore. Take me ashore

Best wishes to you both, May the love you share lasts till the eternity, As you make a wonderful pair. *fireworks* xD

Thanks a ton Vittal for beautiful guest post. :)